Wisdom

This week my 17-year-old went through what seems to have become a right of passage for teenagers today, the removal of her wisdom teeth.

It's been a while since I have had a child go under general anethestic, 5, years to be precise, and the same kid too while I'm thinking about it although last time it was emergency surgery so there wasn't really any time to think about or prepare for it.

Still, Zoe's surgery has meant a few things not the least of which has been that I have been home all week. Perhaps because the intensity of her needs or the dedication with which I filled them, it slowly dawned on me that I haven't been doing a great job of taking care of myself.

Oh, I've been eating (sometimes) and sporadically flexing my new YMCA membership muscles but I do it in between the time I spend taking care of the kids and taking care of my relationship and taking care of my mother who this year has developed a heart condition and a need to be taken care of.

I spend a lot of time in my van driving back and forth between Hamilton and St. Catharines and Hamilton and Mississauga. A lot of time driving to soccer and guitar and piano and youth group and boot camp.  A lot of time cooking and shopping and cleaning in not just my home but in my other two part time locations.

My life has somehow flipped upside down so that I am taking care of myself in between, like it's a hobby rather than the main event. I have a list of things I need to do and a list of things I want to do and I find myself knocking that list down so incredibly slowly because the list never makes it to the top of my list.

Case in point, it's almost May and my snow tires are still on my ever-moving van. I have an appointment for tomorrow (which I called four different service stations and waited three days to get) to fix this and to change the oil but my mother has an appointment she forgot to tell me about and nobody else to take her. Van/mother/Van/Mother....

In the mix, I have a writing workshop in two days. I signed up for it two months ago when I was more productive. I haven't written very much recently even though I have all these letters crashing around in my head forming words. I don't have the time to sit with them long enough to let them course their way from my head to the tips of my fingers.

I love my family.  Love that I get the honour of facilitating their lives and watching them grow.  This year, however, as I look forward to watching the eldest walk across the stage and get her high school diploma then take off for University, I can't help but think about how time flies; how just yesterday it was me being launched and how I have spent way too much of my time and energy helping other people chase their dreams instead of chasing my own.

As I look at my calendar for May, I vow to make sure that my time doesn't get sucked down the rabbit hole of facilitating other people's lives; to make sure more of me ends up on paper and more things get crossed off my personal to-do list.

But that's for May...it's still April and, well, two kids have swimming lessons and one has boot camp so I better go!