Hardenening My Heart

It's interesting...

I recently started practicing what some would call "tough love" on my 17-year-old daughter.  She had, unfortunately, stepped over the line one too many times. In spite of several civil conversations and mild attempts to help correct her, she has thus far refused to reform.

So, time to step it up.

I asked my lovely daughter to make me two lists: one of all the things I have to do for her, and one of all the things that I actually do for her.  Zoe's a smart girl.  Her have to list was short and sweet - food, shelter, clothing... While her actual list acknowledged both the big and small things I do to make her life more comfortable.

To remedy our disagreement my plan was pretty simple.  Zoe could ask for anything on her short list.  The items on the long list, however, including laundry, cooking, and transporting to work, school, her boyfriend's and early morning rowing practice, were inaccessible to her until she apologized and committed to better behavior.

I forgot who I was dealing with.

My daughter is very stubborn.  She is also very resourceful.

On Monday when I drove her brother to their bus stop I passed Zoe walking resolutely down the road. Having dropped him off, I headed home and found myself in her direct line of sight. I waved a hearty hello and kept driving. I felt my heart harden with resolve.

On Tuesday, even though she sat at the table, I served dinner to everyone except her. When I took my seat she realized her blunder and rose to serve herself.

On Wednesday morning I got out of bed and made my way downstairs to drive her brother to 7am rowing practice.

"How are you getting to rowing?" I asked her.

"I thought you would drive me since you're going there anyway," was her hopeful reply.

I looked at her.  Just looked and as I saw it dawn on her that I was not going to drive her, I also again felt something in me harden.

It has been five weeks or so since this standoff started.  Zoe has proven herself more resourceful than I could have imagined walking everywhere she needs to go or taking the bus.  At home we engage in friendly conversation and except for the nights that she still occasionally forgets to wash the dishes, she observes all the rules of the house. 

I'm not sure if it's right or wrong but part of me is proud of her for standing up for what she believes in and not allowing outside pressure, even mine, to change her. The other part feels frustrated and ineffective. Whatever it is, we seem to have entered into a new phase of our relationship. One in which she is more mature and self-reliant but also one in which I am less of a soft place for her to turn.

I am also finding it difficult not to apply this new found hardness to other relationships in my life and I'm not sure I like it. I'm not sure if my experiment is worth it or even if I can call it successful if I lose some of what I love about myself and some of who I am in the process.