At 45 (soon), I can honestly say that I
have offered it freely, accepted it graciously (don't overthink it) as a
daughter, sister, cousin, niece, aunt, mother, friend, lover,
partner, wife and questioned it rarely - until now. I don't question
it's existence, it's power or it's purpose. Let me explain...
The last few years, through divorce and
other family issues (aren't there always issues?) I have learned that
someone loving me isn't enough and shouldn't be enough to have them
take up my most precious resource - time.
I have learned to stop allowing myself
to get distracted by a profession of love. To look deeper and harder
at how and why I am loved. To watch the behaviors and language and
ask myself if the love being offered allows me to honor who I am and
what I believe in.
Not all love is created equal. Not all
love is healthy. Not all love is meant to last and most importantly,
not all love is love, though it may have a lot of the same
trademarks.
A lot of emotional needs masquerade
themselves as love, the most prevalent of which I believe is fear;
fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned, fear of failure, fear
of unworthiness, fear of fear.
Like most people, my kids have been the
easiest people for me to love. This may be because I understand them
almost as well as I understand myself. It may also be because they are still relatively young. I know that my love for them
is unconditional. It will exist long after I do.
Not everyone believes that conditional
love is love, but I do. It's important for everyone to know their
limits, to decide what they will and will not tolerate infesting
their world. If I can answer the how's and why of the love others
offer me, I can decide if I want to open their gift. Do they cheat, lie,
dismiss, ignore and call it love? Do they want to control, manipulate
and demean someone else?
Perhaps you sense pessimism or
bitterness, I have neither. I am eternally optimistic and incredibly
open to whatever gift of love the universe brings to me both
conditionally and unconditionally. I have been well loved and am
grateful for those who love me and those who I have loved in my short
lifetime.
To me, love is so much more than a word
or an emotion. It is a set of values, a code of conduct, a mountain
with many plateaus many of which we will not reach with everyone who
crosses our path. Love is an opportunity to both offer and accept the
gifts of humanity, an opportunity which sometimes comes with a price
of admission and other times is beautifully free.
Either way, I don't believe time spent
loving is ever wasted. It connects us to the universe and her people
more securely and more profoundly than anything else can. It teaches
us who we are and who we are not and if we allow it, through love's
joy and pain it helps us to grow.
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